Actual conversation from last night..
Mel: What are you doin?
Amy: Laundry!
Mel: Why?
Amy: I don't have a small black man with a wife named Wheezie to do it for me..
Mel: I don't do laundry or windows (I really do)
Mel: You should get a pocket sized Chinese man to do it for you
Mel: One that can roll fortune cookies!
Amy: and walk on my back!
Mel: we can just use the one who is going to go around behind us banging the gong
when anyone says our name and when we are home, he can do laundry..problem solved
Mel: Hey! That's a good name for something.. like a band or a club or some shit
Mel: Bang the Gong
Mel: I fucking love it!
Mel: "Where have you and Melissa been?" and you reply "Banging the Gong, duh"
Amy: New York's hottest club. Gong. 102 year old Japanese pimp has done it again. He has dykes, bikes, trikes, the village people, and fire hydrant people!
Amy: you know fire hydrant people right?
Mel: Um... no
Mel: they like to be pissed on?
Mel: fetish stuff?
Amy: it is where midgets with really long legs wear red pants and stand really still while people pee on them.
Mel: If we ever go to Gong remind me to wear my Body Glove!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Bad Mood
Dear Amy,
I have been in a foul mood for about 3 weeks now. I don't know why. I haven't a clue. It almost seems as if I had a sparkle or glimmer of happy times then a cosmic fire extinguisher came along and put it out. I just exist. Day to Day. Same shit, different day. Nothing happens anymore. Are we in a slump?
How bad is it you ask? I have had the same bottle of bubbly in my fridge for over 2 weeks now!! I haven't even entertained the thought of opening it. Sad. What happened to our spirit, our gumption, or willingness to go out on a ledge and pee? I wanna get so drunk we wind up doing shots of Vanilla Extract again. Life is nowhere the amusement park it was when we were on Vicodin.
I started thinking what could have led to my demise. What could the contributing factors be? Have I done anything different? I remembered that I had gotten a new therapeutic mattress & started smoking weed all in the same week. This just makes it hard to get out of bed is all. Dosn't really put a damper on my social life.
I want to make Tequila spiked Arnold Palmer's again and mumble things to each other in French so who ever we happen to have around does not know we are saying the most ridiculous things about them. This is not cool.
If I am going to drown.. it is going to be because there was open bar.. on a yacht!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Drunk much?
Amy,
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your Facebook status again.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your Facebook status again.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Why TIticaca can never be a Smudgie name..
Titicaca is not a good name for a Smudgie. It is not a good name for anybody. I know where you got it Aimes, and I do love Titicaca as a person.. pigtails and all but, I love Bubble more and Titicaca knows this. We never connected. Titicaca sounds like it translates to Shitty Titties. Shitty Titties is not a good name for a Smudge. We are hot, smokin, all of us and there is nothing shitty about a Smudge. Wait, maybe.. um, not going there this early in the morning.
A-N-Y-W-A-Y, speaking of shitty titties.. I'm tired of being the ass girl. You get to have all the fun. Let's do a stint in Arizona (only a couple of weeks) so I can get mine done. They are perfectly fine the way they are, just too normal. I want perfection.. I want SKI SLOPES!!! I want them to turn up on the ends like the roof of the Grinch's place. Seriously!. I don't want the big obvious half circles that move around on your chest under your skin. NO. I want big bouncy ski slopes. Let's do dueling datebooks cause we are going to Arizona to the Master. Besides, people are going to start to ask why all my pictures are from the back and you never get to see full frontal of me. :(
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Cumulus Clouds, the shortage of rainfall in the Mojave and why we can never eat at the Varsity!
Recent events have me planning a trip to the A.T.L. soon and I was invited by an old school chum to meet her at the Varsity for lunch. I had to decline. I am saddened by this because there is no place on earth better to buy lips and assholes grilled to perfection than THE VARSITY! Hum, "What happened?" you ask.. "Why is it that you are excommunicated from that wonderful island o' grease and beer battered onion rings?".... MINNIE DA' MOOCHA!
Let me set the stage... It was July hot in Georgia and my dear friend Minnie (AMY!) and I's dogs were barking from all the shopping we had just done. My heel had broke on my shoe and we limped in the Varsity for lunch and a malt. No sooner than we sat our butts down in the booth, she sticks her Jimmy Choo out and trips the little waitress in the red t-shirt! Hot Dogs are flying at this point. I came very close to loosing my best suede Prada to a coke that whizzed by my head. I peeked out from under the booth clutching my bag, coke-a-cola dripping from my extensions and gave her one of those "What the fuck?" looks.
Very matter of factly she says to me as she straightens herself up on the red vinyl, "Bitch had it coming". "What?, what did she do? We just got here!" I asked. "History, her and I have history" Minnie says to me. This is when she explains that she came in two weeks prior and made the acquaintance of a lovely little fellow named Lyman. Lyman is a sophomore at Tech. Minnie and Lyman connected over a slaw dog and found themselves in one of the ladies bathroom stalls shortly there after discussing the shortage of rainfall in the Mojave. Apparently the conversation got pretty heated and the waitress that now has a bloody nose from her slip and fall, kicked the stall door in and says "LYMAN! I told you if I caught you with another slut again I was going to bash you in the head until all you saw was Cumulus Clouds!". Bitch then takes a swing at poor little Lyman, he bobs and weaves and our Minnie takes one for the team, right on the kisser. Well, at this point Minnie's right brown slowly starts to rise, her face turns blood red and her left eye starts to twitch (it always does when she is fixin to twist off) the waitress gets a glimpse of this and she turns so fast and runs in the opposite direction her little paper hot dog hat hovers in the air for a second before it falls. Girlfriend left skidmarks on the tile!
Minnie hurdles Lyman and runs after the waitress; you can only go so fast in 5" Blahnik's. Girl was gone! She makes it to the parking lot only to see a beat up Honda civic skidding sideways out of the lot. She picks up the closest thing to her feet, winds up and pitches a baseball size landscape gravel at the Honda. It misses its target and goes right through the wind shield of an M6. Alarms go off. She debates on running but her purse with I.D, Credit Cards and the rest of the 8 ball we did that morning is still in the stall with Little Lyman.
She dashes in the ladies room, Lyman hands her the purse and asks if he will ever see her again. She says "Damn I hope not, go back to your dorm room, Ugg boots and Ramen noodles kid cause you've still got some growin to do. Oh, I'd get that wart looked at if I were you".
So here we are sitting in the booth in the aftermath of this most recent event when I see a portly black gentlemen walking over to Minnie and I. He leans over and under his breath he says, "Get the hell out and don't ever come back. I know who you are and I know what you do. Georgia ain't big enough for the two of you and short of bringing Marie Laveau back from the beyond, I will never get the bad Jou Jou of you two outta here. Now Get, and don't ever look back or I will call the Dean at Tech and tell him what yall did at the KA house last Spring".
We are never going back.
Let me set the stage... It was July hot in Georgia and my dear friend Minnie (AMY!) and I's dogs were barking from all the shopping we had just done. My heel had broke on my shoe and we limped in the Varsity for lunch and a malt. No sooner than we sat our butts down in the booth, she sticks her Jimmy Choo out and trips the little waitress in the red t-shirt! Hot Dogs are flying at this point. I came very close to loosing my best suede Prada to a coke that whizzed by my head. I peeked out from under the booth clutching my bag, coke-a-cola dripping from my extensions and gave her one of those "What the fuck?" looks.
Very matter of factly she says to me as she straightens herself up on the red vinyl, "Bitch had it coming". "What?, what did she do? We just got here!" I asked. "History, her and I have history" Minnie says to me. This is when she explains that she came in two weeks prior and made the acquaintance of a lovely little fellow named Lyman. Lyman is a sophomore at Tech. Minnie and Lyman connected over a slaw dog and found themselves in one of the ladies bathroom stalls shortly there after discussing the shortage of rainfall in the Mojave. Apparently the conversation got pretty heated and the waitress that now has a bloody nose from her slip and fall, kicked the stall door in and says "LYMAN! I told you if I caught you with another slut again I was going to bash you in the head until all you saw was Cumulus Clouds!". Bitch then takes a swing at poor little Lyman, he bobs and weaves and our Minnie takes one for the team, right on the kisser. Well, at this point Minnie's right brown slowly starts to rise, her face turns blood red and her left eye starts to twitch (it always does when she is fixin to twist off) the waitress gets a glimpse of this and she turns so fast and runs in the opposite direction her little paper hot dog hat hovers in the air for a second before it falls. Girlfriend left skidmarks on the tile!
Minnie hurdles Lyman and runs after the waitress; you can only go so fast in 5" Blahnik's. Girl was gone! She makes it to the parking lot only to see a beat up Honda civic skidding sideways out of the lot. She picks up the closest thing to her feet, winds up and pitches a baseball size landscape gravel at the Honda. It misses its target and goes right through the wind shield of an M6. Alarms go off. She debates on running but her purse with I.D, Credit Cards and the rest of the 8 ball we did that morning is still in the stall with Little Lyman.
She dashes in the ladies room, Lyman hands her the purse and asks if he will ever see her again. She says "Damn I hope not, go back to your dorm room, Ugg boots and Ramen noodles kid cause you've still got some growin to do. Oh, I'd get that wart looked at if I were you".
So here we are sitting in the booth in the aftermath of this most recent event when I see a portly black gentlemen walking over to Minnie and I. He leans over and under his breath he says, "Get the hell out and don't ever come back. I know who you are and I know what you do. Georgia ain't big enough for the two of you and short of bringing Marie Laveau back from the beyond, I will never get the bad Jou Jou of you two outta here. Now Get, and don't ever look back or I will call the Dean at Tech and tell him what yall did at the KA house last Spring".
We are never going back.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Tomorrow.. Round Table Discussion on why "Sexting" is a bad thing.. What?
Seriously! How the fuck could this be bad... Tomorrow.. too tired tonight.. but TOMORROW we will get to the fluffy powdered glittery bottom of this....
May the force be with you......I think
Dear Mel,
I swear this JUST HAPPENED to me!!
So I go to Kroger (which I like to call Kay-Rogay) to get supplies that cannot wait until tomorrow. Namely, Little Debbies and Diet Coke. Anyway, I got to the U-Scan to ring up my purchases, which I know I am not supposed to do because those 4 machines are taking the place of 4 workers, but the only lanes open were manned by Kroger employees who I have already creeped out recently and I was just trying to avoid an awkward moment.
Anyway, the machine I was at had this really weird echo when it said, "Please scan your first item." I looked at the U-Scan supervisor, who is in fact a real person, who helps when you screw up weighing your own bananas. I said to her, "I think my machine is broken." She said,"Why?" I said, "It has an echo, like Obi Wan Kenobi is trapped inside." She said, in a very unamused voice, "Thats just the way it sounds." I shrugged and said, "OK, but someone is in real trouble when he decides to use the force to get out of there."
So, anyways, I ring my stuff up and scanned my ever useful debit card, and when it asked me if I wanted any cash back, I replied,"Well, as a matter of fact I do please." I may have to make purchases tomorrow that I do not want traced back to me. So I enter in that I would like to receive $40 back. Nothing happens. I wait. Nothing happens. I said to the lady, again, "Mine is broken." She said, " It has to tell me to give you change before I can give it to you." So I stand there, wondering exactly who was the boss of this little relationship and wait. After a couple seconds, I look at the machine and I said, in my best Yoda voice, "Me, forty dollars give." At that exact second, the machine starts spitting 8 nice, crisp $5 bills at me! As I was leaving, I said to the very startled lady, "May the force be with you."
So in other words, I may have to find a new place to shop.
Love, Amy
Dear Mel,
On this day, I make a promise to you:
When(not if)we get rich, I promise that I will hire a small Asian man to follow us around everywhere we go. He will have a large gong, and everytime anyone says either of our names he will bang it. Just like Long Duk Dong in 16 Candles, our second most favorite movie ever! Whether we are teetering around on 5" platform Pradas and wearing Sasha Fierce catsuits or Fred and Ginger jammies and mirabou slippers. This I promise you.......
Love, Amy
On this day, I make a promise to you:
When(not if)we get rich, I promise that I will hire a small Asian man to follow us around everywhere we go. He will have a large gong, and everytime anyone says either of our names he will bang it. Just like Long Duk Dong in 16 Candles, our second most favorite movie ever! Whether we are teetering around on 5" platform Pradas and wearing Sasha Fierce catsuits or Fred and Ginger jammies and mirabou slippers. This I promise you.......
Love, Amy
Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard
Dear Mel,
There is a huge neon sign on my forehead that says all weirdos welcome here. Really.
Being a strange person, I do tend to love other people of equal or greater strangeness, but things are starting to get out of control!
Just today for instance, I get a phone call from a girl I went to high school with. We were pretty good friends for a while, and then parted ways when she moved to another school. I would run into her from time to time and always go out of my way to talk to her and catch up, but it has probably been 10 years at least since I have seen her. So I run into her at the grocery the other day and stopped and talked for a few minutes, promising to send her a friends request on facebook, and I do as soon as I got home.
So, anyway, she calls today and tells me she needs advice. She has married this man a few years younger than her, and while I was telling her congrats on being a cougar, she starts to tell me about how he doesn't make love to her anymore. And that he likes to play with his instrument in the shower. He isn't a musician. I was floored. She wanted my advice on how to handle it.
What? How the hell am I supposed to know? I haven't seen you in 10 years and you are asking me? I do not have a degree in anything, much less psychology!! My only advice to her is the next time she hears him in the shower slapping his sausage, jump in and join him!
The funny thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened. This week! Maybe I should start an advice blog for sexually repressed wives of men who like to jerk the gherkin! I could call it "ask Mother Thumb, and her four daughters!"
Love, Amy
Amy is fucking insane, brilliant but insane
she just said....
our second catalog has to have a pride and prejudice theme
has to
HAS TO
outdoor shots
in fields
with fog
and a mysterious man in the background of every shot
it is imperitive
or i may stab myself in the heart
or at lesst prick my finger
or stub my toe
our second catalog has to have a pride and prejudice theme
has to
HAS TO
outdoor shots
in fields
with fog
and a mysterious man in the background of every shot
it is imperitive
or i may stab myself in the heart
or at lesst prick my finger
or stub my toe
Friday, September 24, 2010
Help me!!! Someone is trying to save me!!
The following is an actual IM conversation between Mel and an old acquaintance of hers who recently found her on Facebook:
U KNOW WHAT GOT ME STRAIGHT AND U GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THIS
8:43pmMe
what
8:43pmJames
GOD STARTED TALKIN TO ME
8:43pmMe
really
thats not funny
8:44pmJames
YEAH
8:44pmMe
it happens to us all
8:44pmJames
BLEW MY MIND
8:44pmMe
in one fasion or another
YEAH
8:45pmMe
well im happy for you and glad your back on track
8:45pmJames
I WAS IN A RELATATIONSHIP THAT ENDED I HAD LOST MY JOB AND WAS KINDA BLAMING DOD
AND I ASK HIM ONE NIGHT IN THE BROKENNESS OF MY LIFE WHAT
OF A GOD WAS HE
AND HE SPOKE AND SAID
WALK WITH ME SEEK ME AND SERVE ME AND I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT KIND OF GOD I AM
ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY
I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS SO REAL
LOL
8:47pmMe
thats awesome Jamie, im happy for you
James
YEAH
8:48pmMe
now go out and do something great with
the chance you have been given
8:48pmJames
BUT I FELL BACK INTO DRUGS
8:48pmMe
ah
shit
still?
THATS WHY I WENT TO ATHENS GA TO GET CKLEAN
8:48pmMe
you good now?
8:48pmJames
NO IM CLEAN
8:48pmMe
awesome
8:49pmJames
AND BEING BLESSED
I FEAR HIM TO MUCH TO DO DRUGS
ITS TOUGH
TO LIVE 4 HIM SOMETIMES
IN A WORLD FULL OF TEMPTATION
8:51pmJames
STRAUGHT AND NARROW IS THE WAY THAT LEADS TO ETERNAL
I HATE THAT
ETERNAL LIFE
YEAH
I APPRECIATE THOSE WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT
I REMEMBER BACK YEARS AGO I COULD STAND TO BE AROUND SOME ONE WHO HAD A BIBLE
LOL
8:56pmJames
FROM A BUDWEISER AND A JOINT TO A HOLY GHOST TOUNGE TALKIN
8:57pmMe
Me
well that is a hudge leap
congratulations to you
8:57pmJames
I RECEIVED THE BAPTISM OF THE HOLY GHOST ON EASTER SUNDAY AND WENT TO SPEAKIN IN UNKNOWN TOUNGES
IT WAS AWESOME
222
EASTER OF 2003
8:58pmMe
humm
Me
humm
8:58pmJames
CHECK THIS OUT
AFTER I HAD EXPERIENCED GOD
U REMEMER WHERE I USE TO LIVE
?
ONE NIGHT I TOOK MY BIBLE OUT SIDE
8:59pmMe
sure
Dutchmans
James
GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES
YEAH
I LT 2 CANDLES
PUT ON EACH SIDE OF MY BIBLE
9:00pmMe
and
9:01pmJames
WENT DOWN FACE TOWARD THE GROUND OR MY BIBLE IT WAS IN FRONT OF ME
I WAS JUST WORSHIPPING GOD
WHEN I OPENED MY EYES JESUS CHRIST WAS STANDING IN THE AIR
IN FRONT OF ME
IT SCARED ME
I JUMPED UP AND RUN
9:02pmMe
are you shitting me...
9:03pmJames
NO
WOULD MAKE SOMETHING UP LIKE THAT
9:03pmMe
I hope not
9:03pmJames
NEVER
NO NEVER
HE HAS SCARED ME STRAIGHT
LOL
HE TALKS TO ME
9:04pmMe
o.k.. here is the deal. We havent spoken or seen each other in over ten years so Im gonna let you behing the curtain... I am a part time slit licking, devil worshipping, psyco bitch from hell that I assure you cannot be saved.
rock on james
9:05pmJames
I HAVE HAD SOME AWESOME DREAMS ALSO WHERE HE HAS SPOKEN TO ME
NO U WRONG
James
I HAVE HAD SOME AWESOME DREAMS ALSO WHERE HE HAS SPOKEN TO ME
NO U WRONG
IM TALKIN TO YOU
BECAUSE GOD HAS TOLD ME TO
WE WERE CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF A HOLY GOD
SATAN IS ALSO A god WHO BLINDS PPL TO THE TRUTH
YOU ARE BOUND IN A LIFESTYLE THAT GOD JESUS CHRIST WANTS TO SET
YOU FREE
IS THER ANY REAL JOY IN THAT LIFESTYLE
9:09pmJames
I COULD TELL BY YOUR PICTURES YOU WERE LIVING IN DARKNESS
IT BREAKS MY HEART AND GODS AS WELL
9:11pmJames
BUT U GOTTA WANT OUT GOD IS A
GENTLEMEN HE WANT FORCE HIS SELF ON NOBODY
9:12pmJames
HE IS THE TRUTH THE LIFE AND THE WAY.NOONE GOES TO HEAVEN EXCEPT THRU JESUS CHRIST
9:14pmJames
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT THE MARK ON A TOMBSTONE BETWEEN DATE OF BIRTH AND DATE OF DEATH
LIFE IS THAT SHORT ETERNITY IS
FOREVER AND WE ALL SPEND IT SOMEWHERE
During this time, Mel was sending me (Amy) messages asking me to help her in convincing this guy that she did not need saving, and this is how I responded, publicly to her wall:
Amy: Nothing like chicken salad and civil war ghosts to cleanse the soul, huh? What did you do for mabon?
Amy: Are you still having an affair with Ville?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WA2jBMk-Pk
35 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · Share · See Wall-to-Wall.Write a comment....
Amy: So, do you have a good recipe for deviled eggs?
34 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy : So, kill any goats and sacrifice them lately?
34 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: I thought I saw you at the last Klan meeting. I thought I recognized your couture hood.
33 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Do you still ride around in that van with the free candy sign, while wearing a fake goatee?
32 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Are you planning on putting any razor blades in apples for the neighborhood kids for halloween this year?
32 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Do you still enjoy having tea parties with the neighborhood cats in the crawlspace under your house until meddling police officers come over to investigat code ambers?
30 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Melissa: Overkill Amy, I said help me.. not make every church lady in a 50 mile radius want to take my children
29 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View Feedback (2)Hide Feedback (2)
Amy: but it is so fun!
24 minutes ago
Melissa: No, its really not... DEFAX is coming for me Monday now.. thank you.
50 seconds ago · LikeUnlike.Write a comment....
Amy: Do you still have that whole freezer full of popsicles in your basement?
29 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Do you still keep that man dressed in leather strips chained to the wall in the attic?
28 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Supper sure was good at your house last night. I liked the fava beans and the nice chianti. I was a little unsure about that liver though.
26 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Keith Richards called and said you better go get tested.............
25 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Melissa: hates it when people try to "save" you with I.M's on facebook while they are clearly still in rehab.
12 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlikeWrite a comment....
That's what friends are for. I'm just saying.....
U KNOW WHAT GOT ME STRAIGHT AND U GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THIS
8:43pmMe
what
8:43pmJames
GOD STARTED TALKIN TO ME
8:43pmMe
really
thats not funny
8:44pmJames
YEAH
8:44pmMe
it happens to us all
8:44pmJames
BLEW MY MIND
8:44pmMe
in one fasion or another
YEAH
8:45pmMe
well im happy for you and glad your back on track
8:45pmJames
I WAS IN A RELATATIONSHIP THAT ENDED I HAD LOST MY JOB AND WAS KINDA BLAMING DOD
AND I ASK HIM ONE NIGHT IN THE BROKENNESS OF MY LIFE WHAT
OF A GOD WAS HE
AND HE SPOKE AND SAID
WALK WITH ME SEEK ME AND SERVE ME AND I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT KIND OF GOD I AM
ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY
I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS SO REAL
LOL
8:47pmMe
thats awesome Jamie, im happy for you
James
YEAH
8:48pmMe
now go out and do something great with
the chance you have been given
8:48pmJames
BUT I FELL BACK INTO DRUGS
8:48pmMe
ah
shit
still?
THATS WHY I WENT TO ATHENS GA TO GET CKLEAN
8:48pmMe
you good now?
8:48pmJames
NO IM CLEAN
8:48pmMe
awesome
8:49pmJames
AND BEING BLESSED
I FEAR HIM TO MUCH TO DO DRUGS
ITS TOUGH
TO LIVE 4 HIM SOMETIMES
IN A WORLD FULL OF TEMPTATION
8:51pmJames
STRAUGHT AND NARROW IS THE WAY THAT LEADS TO ETERNAL
I HATE THAT
ETERNAL LIFE
YEAH
I APPRECIATE THOSE WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT
I REMEMBER BACK YEARS AGO I COULD STAND TO BE AROUND SOME ONE WHO HAD A BIBLE
LOL
8:56pmJames
FROM A BUDWEISER AND A JOINT TO A HOLY GHOST TOUNGE TALKIN
8:57pmMe
Me
well that is a hudge leap
congratulations to you
8:57pmJames
I RECEIVED THE BAPTISM OF THE HOLY GHOST ON EASTER SUNDAY AND WENT TO SPEAKIN IN UNKNOWN TOUNGES
IT WAS AWESOME
222
EASTER OF 2003
8:58pmMe
humm
Me
humm
8:58pmJames
CHECK THIS OUT
AFTER I HAD EXPERIENCED GOD
U REMEMER WHERE I USE TO LIVE
?
ONE NIGHT I TOOK MY BIBLE OUT SIDE
8:59pmMe
sure
Dutchmans
James
GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES
YEAH
I LT 2 CANDLES
PUT ON EACH SIDE OF MY BIBLE
9:00pmMe
and
9:01pmJames
WENT DOWN FACE TOWARD THE GROUND OR MY BIBLE IT WAS IN FRONT OF ME
I WAS JUST WORSHIPPING GOD
WHEN I OPENED MY EYES JESUS CHRIST WAS STANDING IN THE AIR
IN FRONT OF ME
IT SCARED ME
I JUMPED UP AND RUN
9:02pmMe
are you shitting me...
9:03pmJames
NO
WOULD MAKE SOMETHING UP LIKE THAT
9:03pmMe
I hope not
9:03pmJames
NEVER
NO NEVER
HE HAS SCARED ME STRAIGHT
LOL
HE TALKS TO ME
9:04pmMe
o.k.. here is the deal. We havent spoken or seen each other in over ten years so Im gonna let you behing the curtain... I am a part time slit licking, devil worshipping, psyco bitch from hell that I assure you cannot be saved.
rock on james
9:05pmJames
I HAVE HAD SOME AWESOME DREAMS ALSO WHERE HE HAS SPOKEN TO ME
NO U WRONG
James
I HAVE HAD SOME AWESOME DREAMS ALSO WHERE HE HAS SPOKEN TO ME
NO U WRONG
IM TALKIN TO YOU
BECAUSE GOD HAS TOLD ME TO
WE WERE CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF A HOLY GOD
SATAN IS ALSO A god WHO BLINDS PPL TO THE TRUTH
YOU ARE BOUND IN A LIFESTYLE THAT GOD JESUS CHRIST WANTS TO SET
YOU FREE
IS THER ANY REAL JOY IN THAT LIFESTYLE
9:09pmJames
I COULD TELL BY YOUR PICTURES YOU WERE LIVING IN DARKNESS
IT BREAKS MY HEART AND GODS AS WELL
9:11pmJames
BUT U GOTTA WANT OUT GOD IS A
GENTLEMEN HE WANT FORCE HIS SELF ON NOBODY
9:12pmJames
HE IS THE TRUTH THE LIFE AND THE WAY.NOONE GOES TO HEAVEN EXCEPT THRU JESUS CHRIST
9:14pmJames
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT THE MARK ON A TOMBSTONE BETWEEN DATE OF BIRTH AND DATE OF DEATH
LIFE IS THAT SHORT ETERNITY IS
FOREVER AND WE ALL SPEND IT SOMEWHERE
During this time, Mel was sending me (Amy) messages asking me to help her in convincing this guy that she did not need saving, and this is how I responded, publicly to her wall:
Amy: Nothing like chicken salad and civil war ghosts to cleanse the soul, huh? What did you do for mabon?
Amy: Are you still having an affair with Ville?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WA2jBMk-Pk
35 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · Share · See Wall-to-Wall.Write a comment....
Amy: So, do you have a good recipe for deviled eggs?
34 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy : So, kill any goats and sacrifice them lately?
34 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: I thought I saw you at the last Klan meeting. I thought I recognized your couture hood.
33 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Do you still ride around in that van with the free candy sign, while wearing a fake goatee?
32 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Are you planning on putting any razor blades in apples for the neighborhood kids for halloween this year?
32 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Do you still enjoy having tea parties with the neighborhood cats in the crawlspace under your house until meddling police officers come over to investigat code ambers?
30 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Melissa: Overkill Amy, I said help me.. not make every church lady in a 50 mile radius want to take my children
29 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View Feedback (2)Hide Feedback (2)
Amy: but it is so fun!
24 minutes ago
Melissa: No, its really not... DEFAX is coming for me Monday now.. thank you.
50 seconds ago · LikeUnlike.Write a comment....
Amy: Do you still have that whole freezer full of popsicles in your basement?
29 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Do you still keep that man dressed in leather strips chained to the wall in the attic?
28 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Supper sure was good at your house last night. I liked the fava beans and the nice chianti. I was a little unsure about that liver though.
26 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Amy: Keith Richards called and said you better go get tested.............
25 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-WallWrite a comment....
Melissa: hates it when people try to "save" you with I.M's on facebook while they are clearly still in rehab.
12 minutes ago · Comment ·LikeUnlikeWrite a comment....
That's what friends are for. I'm just saying.....
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Congratulations 36 is the new 23
Dear Amy,I am told not to worry about our children. They will grow up, develop a work ethic and live healthy somewhat normal lives like we have. This is a crock. They are so spoiled and lazy that epidemics like this have come about. When you read this article you will find that "cougars are cool". Do you know why cougars are cool, it is because men (and I use this term loosely) now are lazy, good for nothing bums. They do not want a career, they want to be pampered like they have been their 25 years on this earth by their Mothers. They do not want responsibility. So what do they do, they go looking for a Cougar.
A Cougar is a woman with her "shit together", which means she has either gone to college and is a professional with an awesome job and girlfriend is bankin' or she has chose to marry well, raise a family, divorce and take half of what her previous husband has worked for. In comes the 24 year old hottie with a eight pack, highlights and True Religion jeans hanging off his puffy little ass. He wants to move in, lay on the sofa and watch Jersey Shore all day and dream of "smushing" the neighbor girl while our friend Mrs. Cougar is at work to make his Benz payment she bought him for a thank you. He has special talents.
While I find this a tad intriguing, I prefer to be the boring old housewife and Mother to my middle aged husband with the grey hair and pot belly that brings home the bacon because he loves us, much. That... money cannot buy.
But, However, if you find yourself in a Cougar/Boy-toy situation and need backup because you have not done enough cardio... call me Bitch!
Love,
Mel
| 1. | Cougar | 8496 up, 1234 down | |||
An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together. | |||||
Friday, September 10, 2010
Zen and the Art of Fat Kids
Dear Mel,
I am officially,as of today, a misanthrope. Dictionary.com defines misanthrope as a hater of humankind. I have given up hope.
Why, do you ask? I will tell you. I just spent 3 hours working in a very small, un-air conditioned, un-lighted concession stand. In the heat. At a high school football game. In Georgia. I sold fake meat burgers, cheap wienie hot dogs, warm cokes, and the kind of candy that nobody likes. And then we ran out of bottled water. And then ketchup. And then Coke.
These are not the same type of fast food consumers that you see smiling at each other on McDonalds commercials. These people are vicious!
And for the record, yes, I am aware we are out of ketchup and I really don't give a rats ass. Go eat a real vegetable, Tubby!
There is a reason I do not make my living in the food industry, and that is because as I am writing, I smell like a mixture of that weird yellow gummy substance that is served on top of chips and called nachos, and the pickle juice that I spilled on my shirt. And I get to do it again next week. I think I may run away to Paris and become a mime. Thats how desperate I am.
Love, Amy
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Keith Richards stole my luggage
Dear Amy,
I know you wanted to be friends with Keith Richards and I was like "no, he is a greazy old wrinkly whore" and you were like "right" and I was like "ok". Well, when we left the hotel, that old piece of grissel took my large Louie traveling case, the big one! So I am officially ending our friendship because there is no way I want it back. Even if you go to his house and get it for me, it will be nasty. He probably put dirty condoms, femi-doms, plush rabbits and god knows what else in there. Wait, what am I saying.. condoms.. um no, not Keith. NOW IM PISSED! I JUST REALIZED MY LUGGAGE HAS S.T.D'S!! That is the last time I go out with you and one of your new "buddies"!
Mel
My life is not "a bowl of fucking cherries"
Me
how do you spell or derves?
like snaks
good snacks
i know you are lauging at me
just shut up and tell me how to spell it
god damn itr
goddamit
im laughing so hard i cant tupe
tyupe
type
Smudgy Whore pics
Dear Mel,
I really heart these pics very much. As much as your luggage. Maybe even more...
I am seriously into smudgy whores as a concept.
Not as in wanting to be one, just the idea that they exist.
Love,
Amy (aka Mia Vixen which is my new smudgy whore name)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Blindness, Walmart, and Half Naked Men
Dear Mel, I thought I was blind! No, really!
We went to Walmart the other night to pick up a few necessities, deodorant, spray paint, a boat battery, you know, the normal. So, hubby and I walk in the back at the garden center, and as soon as we walk in, everything starts getting gradually darker. I was terrified! I honestly thought my vision was rapidly deteriorating! I said,"Honey! Oh my god!" Then, everything got brighter all of a sudden. Just when I was going to tell him that I thought I was having an aneurysm, or a stroke or something, he says," What the Hell just happened?" I knew it wasn't just me! Thank goodness the girl that was working the register there told us that Walmart has implemented some sort of energy saving plan that includes dialing down the lights at intervals. I think its great that they are into the whole conservation movement, but how about warning somebody!
So, anyway, after I realized I wouldn't have to go through the humiliation of an ambulance ride from Walmart, I saw a half naked man buying fish food. All he was wearing was a pair of exercise shorts that were WAY too small for him. I could see his penis just as if the shorts weren't there! Not that he was the attractive sort that one would want to see half naked at Walmart. Kind of pudgy, middle aged. Must have been a very hungry fish is all I know. When I got my phone out of my pocket to take a picture of him to send to you, I dropped it, and sadly, he got away. Don't worry though, I will get him next time he is half naked at Walmart at 10 0'clock at night buying fish food!
Love, hugs, and smooches!
XXXOOO
Amy
We went to Walmart the other night to pick up a few necessities, deodorant, spray paint, a boat battery, you know, the normal. So, hubby and I walk in the back at the garden center, and as soon as we walk in, everything starts getting gradually darker. I was terrified! I honestly thought my vision was rapidly deteriorating! I said,"Honey! Oh my god!" Then, everything got brighter all of a sudden. Just when I was going to tell him that I thought I was having an aneurysm, or a stroke or something, he says," What the Hell just happened?" I knew it wasn't just me! Thank goodness the girl that was working the register there told us that Walmart has implemented some sort of energy saving plan that includes dialing down the lights at intervals. I think its great that they are into the whole conservation movement, but how about warning somebody!
So, anyway, after I realized I wouldn't have to go through the humiliation of an ambulance ride from Walmart, I saw a half naked man buying fish food. All he was wearing was a pair of exercise shorts that were WAY too small for him. I could see his penis just as if the shorts weren't there! Not that he was the attractive sort that one would want to see half naked at Walmart. Kind of pudgy, middle aged. Must have been a very hungry fish is all I know. When I got my phone out of my pocket to take a picture of him to send to you, I dropped it, and sadly, he got away. Don't worry though, I will get him next time he is half naked at Walmart at 10 0'clock at night buying fish food!
Love, hugs, and smooches!
XXXOOO
Amy
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