Dear Mel,
There is a huge neon sign on my forehead that says all weirdos welcome here. Really.
Being a strange person, I do tend to love other people of equal or greater strangeness, but things are starting to get out of control!
Just today for instance, I get a phone call from a girl I went to high school with. We were pretty good friends for a while, and then parted ways when she moved to another school. I would run into her from time to time and always go out of my way to talk to her and catch up, but it has probably been 10 years at least since I have seen her. So I run into her at the grocery the other day and stopped and talked for a few minutes, promising to send her a friends request on facebook, and I do as soon as I got home.
So, anyway, she calls today and tells me she needs advice. She has married this man a few years younger than her, and while I was telling her congrats on being a cougar, she starts to tell me about how he doesn't make love to her anymore. And that he likes to play with his instrument in the shower. He isn't a musician. I was floored. She wanted my advice on how to handle it.
What? How the hell am I supposed to know? I haven't seen you in 10 years and you are asking me? I do not have a degree in anything, much less psychology!! My only advice to her is the next time she hears him in the shower slapping his sausage, jump in and join him!
The funny thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened. This week! Maybe I should start an advice blog for sexually repressed wives of men who like to jerk the gherkin! I could call it "ask Mother Thumb, and her four daughters!"
Love, Amy
Amy, I am concerned with the caliber of people you are around when I am out of town working my "other" job. Obviously this woman needs a general practitioner or possibly even a surgeon. Sounds like she needs a couple extra stitches if you know what I mean...
ReplyDeleteHowever, if this happens again. Stand there, look them straight in the face and when they are done complaining that their husband dosent want to make love to them any longer, reply sweetly "Baby,if your asking me to come over and fuck your husband, it's expensive. There is an extra $500 charge if you are going to watch and/or tape it. If you want to participate, I have to get the proper contracts. I have a medical release for you to sign.. hold on". Start digging in your purse and I promise she will walk away.. If she does not, call me Bitch! This job will take both of us!
Love you, Mel
Ok, I took your advice, and may have found myself in a tight spot......I'm a little scared now. Do you have a vid-cam I can borrow? On the other hand, I may have figured out how we can fund our train trip through the Carpathian Mountains....
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteThis better be good, that little train trip is white glove service and is gonna run us about $15K a piece. If you are planning on making that kinda change in one night, you need more than my little hand held camera. You better call Cinnamon and get her to bring the crew over. Sounds like your gonna need backup anyway.
Smooches,