Cumulus Clouds, the shortage of rainfall in the Mojave and why we can never eat at the Varsity!

Recent events have me planning a trip to the A.T.L. soon and I was invited by an old school chum to meet her at the Varsity for lunch. I had to decline. I am saddened by this because there is no place on earth better to buy lips and assholes grilled to perfection than THE VARSITY! Hum, "What happened?" you ask.. "Why is it that you are excommunicated from that wonderful island o' grease and beer battered onion rings?".... MINNIE DA' MOOCHA!

Let me set the stage... It was July hot in Georgia and my dear friend Minnie (AMY!) and I's dogs were barking from all the shopping we had just done. My heel had broke on my shoe and we limped in the Varsity for lunch and a malt. No sooner than we sat our butts down in the booth, she sticks her Jimmy Choo out and trips the little waitress in the red t-shirt! Hot Dogs are flying at this point. I came very close to loosing my best suede Prada to a coke that whizzed by my head. I peeked out from under the booth clutching my bag, coke-a-cola dripping from my extensions and gave her one of those "What the fuck?" looks.

Very matter of factly she says to me as she straightens herself up on the red vinyl, "Bitch had it coming". "What?, what did she do? We just got here!" I asked. "History, her and I have history" Minnie says to me. This is when she explains that she came in two weeks prior and made the acquaintance of a lovely little fellow named Lyman. Lyman is a sophomore at Tech. Minnie and Lyman connected over a slaw dog and found themselves in one of the ladies bathroom stalls shortly there after discussing the shortage of rainfall in the Mojave. Apparently the conversation got pretty heated and the waitress that now has a bloody nose from her slip and fall, kicked the stall door in and says "LYMAN! I told you if I caught you with another slut again I was going to bash you in the head until all you saw was Cumulus Clouds!". Bitch then takes a swing at poor little Lyman, he bobs and weaves and our Minnie takes one for the team, right on the kisser. Well, at this point Minnie's right brown slowly starts to rise, her face turns blood red and her left eye starts to twitch (it always does when she is fixin to twist off) the waitress gets a glimpse of this and she turns so fast and runs in the opposite direction her little paper hot dog hat hovers in the air for a second before it falls. Girlfriend left skidmarks on the tile!

Minnie hurdles Lyman and runs after the waitress; you can only go so fast in 5" Blahnik's. Girl was gone! She makes it to the parking lot only to see a beat up Honda civic skidding sideways out of the lot. She picks up the closest thing to her feet, winds up and pitches a baseball size landscape gravel at the Honda. It misses its target and goes right through the wind shield of an M6. Alarms go off. She debates on running but her purse with I.D, Credit Cards and the rest of the 8 ball we did that morning is still in the stall with Little Lyman.

She dashes in the ladies room, Lyman hands her the purse and asks if he will ever see her again. She says "Damn I hope not, go back to your dorm room, Ugg boots and Ramen noodles kid cause you've still got some growin to do. Oh, I'd get that wart looked at if I were you".

So here we are sitting in the booth in the aftermath of this most recent event when I see a portly black gentlemen walking over to Minnie and I. He leans over and under his breath he says, "Get the hell out and don't ever come back. I know who you are and I know what you do. Georgia ain't big enough for the two of you and short of bringing Marie Laveau back from the beyond, I will never get the bad Jou Jou of you two outta here. Now Get, and don't ever look back or I will call the Dean at Tech and tell him what yall did at the KA house last Spring".

We are never going back.