Fear and Loathing in Kenosha

It has finally come to this. It is so hard to admit that I can't keep up with anyone. I am wasted and spent, but not necessarily in that order.
It all started with a bump and a tickle in a back alley parking lot, and now I find myself waking up with strange memories of dumpster diving (physically challenging at best), snorting body glitter, and doing body shots off of Carly Simon.
This is what I get for having a torrid romance with Billy Bob Thornton.
I figured that with a name like Billy Bob, he would be pretty tame, and he was for the first 20 minutes. I should have known what was up when he wanted me to help him with his strange sexual obsession with childhood fairy tales. The last straw I think was the Tooth Fairy costume. I just don't think a man of his age and stature should wear a tutu. And I refuse to allow someone to wear my teeth as jewelry.
So I am coming home. Leaving this fast track lifestyle behind. I am going to get some sleep and then try to get all the elephant blood out of my hair. It has been a rough weekend!